Kindness matters.

It is easy to get caught up in everything we have to do every day.  Our lives can be filled with urgent tasks, or if not urgent at least requiring completion by a certain time. When we get bogged down, we tend to allow courtesies to fall by the wayside.  We become brusque, and often (if we're truly honest with ourselves) downright rude.  We also have a tendency towards nastiness when confronted with that which makes us uncomfortable, or when dealing with people we see as "not like us".

The natural reaction to the outside world for a lot of people is one of protectiveness or hostility.  Suspicion and wariness make us unkind to the people around us.  It makes the world a less pleasant place to be in for everyone.  Hostility feeds hostility.  Rudeness leads to more rudeness. All of this, in turn, feeds the original suspicion and wariness. It becomes a feedback loop that justifies itself.

Being kind to the people around us doesn't take much more of our time.  I won't lie and say it doesn't take any time, it does.  However, the rewards that come from it, both tangible and intangible, more than make up for the small amount of time it adds to various activities. Being kind to -all- the people around us is one of the few things we can do for selfish reasons that still makes the world a better place, and makes things more pleasant in general. 

Some people might feel that the act of kindness becomes tainted if there's a selfish motivation lurking in the heart of the person who is being kind.  They only want people to be kind if it doesn't benefit them personally in any way.  That makes the act "more pure" to them.  Better, or more good, or more worthy, or whatever positive connotation they put on it.  The corollary to that, of course, is that when someone does something kind and they gain some benefit from it, as well, the kindness is not really kind. It's actually bad, or hurtful in some cosmic way.

I can't agree with that assessment.  I don't care why someone holds open a door when I'm wrestling with  heavy packages.  The reason lurking in their heart doesn't change the fact that it made my life easier at that moment.  They recognized me as a human who had a need, and it was a need they could do something about, and they stepped outside of their own brains long enough to help.  I don't care if they did it because they wanted to see my bum as I walked by, or because they felt some guilt or sense of obligation. The effect to me isn't changed.  So I accept it for what it is, an act of kindness that makes something in my life go a little better than it might otherwise have gone.

Likewise, I now make more of an effort to see outside my own head.  I look for opportunities to be kind to the people around me.  I try to see them as individuals, not masses of bodies to be gotten around so I can get on with my tasks.  I hold doors open for people.  I let people with fewer items go ahead of me in line.  I slow down and let people pull out in front of me in traffic during the morning and evening rush hours (and at other times, as well). Those are anonymous bits we can all do that help, but I try to go further with it.

I've been working in offices for most of my adult life. Offices can be magical places.  The wastebaskets get emptied invisibly. The carpets magically vacuumed themselves.  The bathrooms were nearly always pristine, despite the rather yucky things people do in them every day.  For the longest time I didn't bother about the people who did these things every day.  But when I embarked on my attempt to be a kinder person, I started trying to pay attention to those people around me.  The ones who make my life easier as part of their job, and who, more likely than not, are pretty much invisible to the people they're working around.

I look up and smile at them when they come in to get my waste basket, and I thank them for taking it away.  I meet their eye and ask how they're doing.  Whenever we get a new one assigned to our building, I find out what their name is, and spend some time asking about their lives.  I make sure they get invited to our small office holiday gatherings, or at least I save them some of the treats from pot lucks.

On the whole I don't think it makes much of a difference in operations for me.  My waste basket is no more clean than it was before I started learning about the people who empty it for me.  But I feel better knowing the people who are around me, acknowledging their work, and seeing them as humans with lives that matter to them just as much as my own life matters to me.  I like to think that maybe they might get a little bit of respite when they come to my cubicle.  Or at least they're not thinking "oh that person hates me, I hate doing their waste basket".  The day is a little better for both of us because of this.

Does it matter in the long run?  I think it does.  I don't just see our janitorial staff. I see clerks in stores, and I hear the people on the customer service line, and I make a conscious effort to think of them as people, not tools.  When I am kind them, not only do I feel better for myself, but maybe I make their day a little better. And maybe they go on to make someone else's day a little better.

Sometimes I get surprised by someone I've been kind to.  They manage to make something possible for me that wouldn't have been possible if not for my kindness.  Suddenly the seat between my husband and I remains empty for a flight until the absolute last moment.  Or I get to hear about a special discount that I clearly missed when I was going through the aisles.  Or they bend the rules a little bit for me, because it actually makes sense in my situation, and because I was kind instead of yelling at them, it was possible for them to consider creative alternatives, rather than retreating into the letter of the rules.

These benefits are tangible and make it easier for me to be kind the next time, but the primary intangible benefit is that I'm a much nicer person than I used to be.  I am more able to put myself in the shoes of the people around me. I am more likely to grant someone the benefit of the doubt than to decide they're just being jerks, because my own attitude overall is better. I spend less time irritated or frothing with ire (I do, too!). My phone conversations are less tense.

Of course I'm not some serene zombie with a smile constantly on her face no matter how other people behave towards her.  I just tend to spend more time being open to the possibility of being kind than I used to be.  As a result, I see a lot more kindness than I used to.

Though, really, I suppose the shorter version of this long-winded post is this:
"You must be the change you want to see in the world." --Mahatma Gandhi

Letting go of what can't be

Life is full of possibilities.  Even as we mature, there are always new things we can try, or adventures we can explore.  There are many examples throughout history of people who have changed the course of their life at one point or another, and gone down a very different path than the one they originally intended.

Yet, at the same time, things that were once possible gradually become less so, until they are effectively impossible given our current state (financial, physical, or emotional).  It can be hard to face the reality that this thing we wanted so much, and for so long, simply isn't going to be possible.  We cling to the ever-shrinking-but-not-quite-disappearing hope that we'll still be able to attain our dream (whatever it might be), and will find great happiness when that comes to pass.

This act of clinging to a diminishing chance of fulfilling a particular desire often results in regret, or a focus on what could be, or what we want to be, instead of what is.  We can get so intent on wishing for this thing to pass that we don't pay attention to all the wonderful things in front of us.  Or worse, we focus so much on it and our hopes for its ability to improve our lot in life that we completely miss chances that already exist for improving things ourselves.

When our desire changes from a hopeful dream to a source of galling pain, and when the realistic possibility of us fulfilling that dream in the way we envisioned has gotten so small that we're hoping for a miracle to "save us", then it is time to let go of this possibility.  It needs to be laid to rest, and the power it has over our lives needs to be broken.  It is no longer a source of energy that fuels our actions and helps us attain our goals.  It becomes a great weight around our necks, that makes every day more of a slog than a joy, or a little demon that follows behind and jabs us sharply when we least expect, so that the pleasure is sucked out of our lives in a moment.

The process of letting go can be complicated, and of course the best course of action is highly individual. It should always start with a careful, realistic inventory of the problem, and all possible means by which the problem might be solved, including ones you may have once dismissed.  Look at it from all angles, brain-storm, talk to people who have been in similar situations and look at the solutions they pursued.  Seriously consider what might be possible for you. Perhaps the precise dream you wanted isn't possible but some variant of it would be?  For instance, you wanted a log cabin in the woods, but perhaps you could settle for a stick-built home with pine slat interiors that make the whole house seem like it's a cabin?

If a careful examination doesn't reveal any new possible avenues for you to pursue, or new flavors for seeing your dream come true, then it really is time to let go of it.  Exactly how you do this will vary from person to person, temperament to temperament.  It isn't always easy, and it usually involves determined and conscious effort on your part, but it can be done.  Some people will need to go through a grieving process before they reach acceptance of their situation. Some people will be able to simply guide themselves to a new way of looking at their life, and every time the old way pops up, they just gently herd their thoughts away.

It often helps to find something else to try out for a while.  Don't expect it to be a perfect replacement for the well-worn dream you've been clothed in for so long. It won't be.  But it's a start.  Look into new hobbies or volunteer opportunities.  Things that bring you into contact with people who have other sorts of dreams and other sorts of goals can help open you up to the myriad possibilities that might work for you.  Reading about what others have done, or thought, or felt, can help.  Expose yourself to other ideas about how a life can turn out, and you might just surprise yourself.

It's important to remain open to possibilities.  Don't just cling to one view of how you wanted your life to be, and opine interminably for that.  Not only is it painful and unhealthy for you, but it closes your eyes to opportunities that would be equally fulfilling for you.  Look around, there are millions of ways of being who you are without opining for things that can never be.

Owning our choices and their consequences

Some people seem to live their lives by the seat of their pants.  They don't appear to plan much ahead, and don't seem to see value in planning ahead because life just "happens" to them.  Sometimes it looks like, to them, that any plans they make don't work out anyway, so why bother?

It can be easier to see from the outside where previous choices they've made have contributed to the situations that make their plans fail.  This sort of thing is harder to see when you're in the middle of it, but that doesn't mean it's impossible to figure out what choices have led to which results, and strive for improvements down the line.

Of course there are always situations where all the options available are terrible, and you have to choose the least awful one, but those are more rare than most people realize.  What I usually observe is people being faced by a choice between something they want to do and something they know they should be doing that isn't necessarily a terrible thing.  Instead of really looking at the pros and cons of a particular option, and taking a longer view by saying something like "if I do this thing I should do, what will be my pay off later?" or "If I do the thing I want to do instead of this other thing I should do, how will I pay for it later?"  If you really apply yourself, it's usually possible to come up with various scenarios that may or may not happen as a result, and you can make a better informed choice based on the outcome you really want to see happen further down the line.

Life is not as unpredictable as it seems, and it is possible to build in enough buffer or padding in your situation to handle even the unusual situations that crop up.  It's important to see that you're in this life for the long haul.  To learn where you're planting seeds for the future, and possibly the quite distant future, and to realize that even if you don't see the fruit today, the fruit you get eventually will be better.

I see this play out in financial areas a lot.  People seem to feel that because they're poor, or they're having a difficult time money-wise, that means all planning for the future goes out the window.  It's actually the worst time for financial planning to be ignored.  I'm not saying any of this is easy, nor is it intuitive.  Most people don't learn the fundamentals of money management, and they don't examine their purchases, they don't think about their budgets, and they live from paycheck to paycheck.  I know that there are certainly times when it seems like you just can't get ahead of all the crap life throws at you (like a series of expensive car failures when you absolutely need your car to get around for your job).

I'm not here to offer financial advice, but the point of this post is to encourage people to really take the long view of their situations.  To look at what they've done in the past, and where it led them, and own that they made choices that brought them where they were.  Acknowledge it and learn from it.  Don't repeat past mistakes, and instead try to find a new way to accomplish your goals.  The internet is full of people's stories for how they accomplished things, try to learn from them.

One of the best lessons you can learn in life is that you need to live your life, proactively.  Don't be an observer of your life, sitting passively while things happen around you and blow you thither and yon.  Stand up and act on your own behalf.  Put in the energy to learn how to avoid past mistakes, learn how to do better next time, learn how to plant seeds for success down the road, even if you can't see it for years. 

You can't learn from your mistakes or the choices you've made until you fully accept the idea that your mistakes and choices actually have an impact on where you end up.  Finally accepting this, and then putting it in action, is a powerful thing.  It puts you back in control of your life in important ways.

You don't have to start big.  Focus on one bit of your life that seems out of your control, or beyond your ability to plan for it.  Just start small.  Small successes lead to bigger ones, and give you greater confidence in your own abilities.

Why is it important to let yourself be wrong?

(tw: drunk driving accident)

Being willing and able to admit you're wrong, and more importantly, to use that information to change something about yourself or your life is necessary for survival.  Here's a very simplistic (and not very realistic) demonstration of this fact:

Grogelda is out in the bush hunting for berries for her mate.  She notices a cloud of dust ahead, and it looks like clouds of dust she's seen antelopes kick up in the past.   She thinks nothing of it because antelopes have never been a threat to her before, so in her mind there is no danger.  She goes back to getting those luscious poogleberries of which her mate is so very fond.  The cloud gets closer but she's dismissed it as unimportant, and doesn't even notice it.  Nogelda runs up to Grogelda and tells her she needs to run, that the antelopes are stampeding right at her.  Grogelda looks at Nogelda as if she's a loopy-bat and keeps picking berries.  Nogelda tries a couple of times to get Grogelda to see the danger she's in, but eventually gives up because she has to get to safety herself.  So she leaves Grogelda there.  A few moments later, Grogelda thinks, as she's being stampeded to death, "But antelopes have never harmed me before!"

Grogelda just couldn't accept the idea that antelopes, which normally were peaceful and non-meat-eating could ever be a threat, and she paid for her inability to be wrong, and act on that wrongness, with her life.  By the way, I'm not going to go into all the reasons why this scenario is flawed, so please don't pick on those points, but try to see the lesson I'm straining to convey

Being able and willing to accept that you're wrong, and then acting on that new information, is vital for human survival, all the time and across most situations, not just when antelope herds are stampeding.  Afterall, if Grogelda had just said to Nogelda "Oh, hmm, you're right, those antelopes are running towards me at great speed." then continued picking poogleberries instead of moving out of the way, she'd still be just as dead.

Sometimes being able and willing to admit you're wrong doesn't have an immediate impact for you, but it will have for someone near you.  Possibly even someone you don't know, but whose life you will change just the same.  When you make the effort to be as well-informed about things as you are able to be, you tend to make better choices for yourself and your situation, and by extension, the people around you.

So here's a more modern example that too many people will find resonates with them:

Doris is out with her friends having a nice time at a club.  She believes firmly that eating a lot of bread before you drink means you won't get as drunk.  So she had a lot of bread before she went out, and has been drinking red wine exclusively (because everyone knows you can't get drunk on wine).  So when she decides to call it a night, she's not hammered. She's "buzzed".  Being buzzed isn't the same as being drunk, and so of course she's fine driving herself home, or so her friends think.  Doris has driven home buzzed dozens of times and never had any problem before.

On the way home her sluggish response time and slightly bleary vision means she fails to hit the brakes in time to avoid rear-ending a car that has stalled out in an intersection.  That car was slammed forward into a concrete divider that it was, unfortunately, pointing towards as the driver had been starting to turn left when his car stalled out.  The driver of the car, who wasn't wearing a seat belt because he'd had a cousin trapped in a car under water because her seat belt malfunctioned back in the 1970s, was thrown through the windshield, and only manage to avoid being a quadriplegic for the rest of his life by virtue of having his head smashed to bits on the concrete divider, and so he died instantly.

This scenario is full of points during which the outcome could have been completely changed, or altered just enough that it wouldn't have turned out to be quite so tragic as it was.  I'll just list some of the more significant ones.

1. Doris could have taken her responsibility as a drinker more seriously and learned the facts before she drank.  For instance: that bread does not keep you from getting drunk, and that it is, in fact, possible to get drunk on red wine only.  She also could also have learned that even one glass of wine can impair her reaction time enough to make an accident more likely than it otherwise would be.  If she was in full possession of either of these facts it could have changed the choices she made.  Maybe she wouldn't have had so much to drink, or she might have called a cab, or she might have asked her friends to appoint a designated driver.  Any one of these choices could have changed the outcome, and those are just things Doris, herself, could have done.
2. Any one of the group of Doris's friends could have chosen to be the designated driver, and taken people's keys away, and made sure they all got home safe.
3. The driver in the other car could have learned more about seat belt technology, and the real risks associated with not wearing seat belts (versus anecdotal information about rare occurrences).  If he'd accepted those facts, instead of choosing a course of action based on out-dated information and improbable situations, he might have been wearing his seat belt, and suffered only minor injuries, instead of dying.

 The point here is that you never know exactly when your failure to challenge your assumptions and beliefs could have tragic, or even just unpleasant, consequences.  When you make choices based on reality and facts instead of unsupported or unwarranted assumptions, you have a far better chance of avoiding such situations.

That is why it is important to let yourself be wrong, and act on that by changing how you behave based on the new knowledge you gain.

Letting yourself be wrong

One of the most frustrating things I've come across in my life is how many people can't admit or accept when they're wrong about something (or anything).  Slightly more frustrating is how many people will flat out deny that they're unwilling to admit they could be wrong.

I'm not listening! LA LA LA LA!

There's a lot of lip service out there, but I often find that people are just mouthing words (and you can tell that's what they're doing because of what they're saying). They don't really believe, in their heart of hearts, that they could be wrong.  Because (they "reason") if they were wrong, obviously they'd realize it (apparently by some magical means), and then they'd stop holding that wrong idea.

What this really means, at its core, is that every idea or belief they have is the right one because they have it.  It's the same ass backwards reasoning Nixon exposed in his interviews with Frost.  The idea that if it is the President of the United States who does something, it can't be illegal.  When you put it like that, most people will agree that's backwards, that the President of the United States is not above the law.  Those same people will also respond positively if you ask them "Have you ever made a mistake?"  or "Have you ever been wrong about something?"

The thing is, most of the time they'll only agree in the abstract, or about things in the past.  They're very seldom wrong -right now-, today, in this particular argument.

The first step people simply must take if they want to avoid being hypocritical, ignorant, or hateful, is to learn to admit that they could be wrong.  Not giving lip service, not agreeing in some general, philosophical way, but actually looking at some idea or belief that they have and testing it against reality to see if it really holds up to honest scrutiny.  It doesn't have to be anything earth-shattering or deep.  Just give it a go.