It is easy to get caught up in everything we have to do every day. Our lives can be filled with urgent tasks, or if not urgent at least requiring completion by a certain time. When we get bogged down, we tend to allow courtesies to fall by the wayside. We become brusque, and often (if we're truly honest with ourselves) downright rude. We also have a tendency towards nastiness when confronted with that which makes us uncomfortable, or when dealing with people we see as "not like us".
The natural reaction to the outside world for a lot of people is one of protectiveness or hostility. Suspicion and wariness make us unkind to the people around us. It makes the world a less pleasant place to be in for everyone. Hostility feeds hostility. Rudeness leads to more rudeness. All of this, in turn, feeds the original suspicion and wariness. It becomes a feedback loop that justifies itself.
Being kind to the people around us doesn't take much more of our time. I won't lie and say it doesn't take any time, it does. However, the rewards that come from it, both tangible and intangible, more than make up for the small amount of time it adds to various activities. Being kind to -all- the people around us is one of the few things we can do for selfish reasons that still makes the world a better place, and makes things more pleasant in general.
Some people might feel that the act of kindness becomes tainted if there's a selfish motivation lurking in the heart of the person who is being kind. They only want people to be kind if it doesn't benefit them personally in any way. That makes the act "more pure" to them. Better, or more good, or more worthy, or whatever positive connotation they put on it. The corollary to that, of course, is that when someone does something kind and they gain some benefit from it, as well, the kindness is not really kind. It's actually bad, or hurtful in some cosmic way.
I can't agree with that assessment. I don't care why someone holds open a door when I'm wrestling with heavy packages. The reason lurking in their heart doesn't change the fact that it made my life easier at that moment. They recognized me as a human who had a need, and it was a need they could do something about, and they stepped outside of their own brains long enough to help. I don't care if they did it because they wanted to see my bum as I walked by, or because they felt some guilt or sense of obligation. The effect to me isn't changed. So I accept it for what it is, an act of kindness that makes something in my life go a little better than it might otherwise have gone.
Likewise, I now make more of an effort to see outside my own head. I look for opportunities to be kind to the people around me. I try to see them as individuals, not masses of bodies to be gotten around so I can get on with my tasks. I hold doors open for people. I let people with fewer items go ahead of me in line. I slow down and let people pull out in front of me in traffic during the morning and evening rush hours (and at other times, as well). Those are anonymous bits we can all do that help, but I try to go further with it.
I've been working in offices for most of my adult life. Offices can be magical places. The wastebaskets get emptied invisibly. The carpets magically vacuumed themselves. The bathrooms were nearly always pristine, despite the rather yucky things people do in them every day. For the longest time I didn't bother about the people who did these things every day. But when I embarked on my attempt to be a kinder person, I started trying to pay attention to those people around me. The ones who make my life easier as part of their job, and who, more likely than not, are pretty much invisible to the people they're working around.
I look up and smile at them when they come in to get my waste basket, and I thank them for taking it away. I meet their eye and ask how they're doing. Whenever we get a new one assigned to our building, I find out what their name is, and spend some time asking about their lives. I make sure they get invited to our small office holiday gatherings, or at least I save them some of the treats from pot lucks.
On the whole I don't think it makes much of a difference in operations for me. My waste basket is no more clean than it was before I started learning about the people who empty it for me. But I feel better knowing the people who are around me, acknowledging their work, and seeing them as humans with lives that matter to them just as much as my own life matters to me. I like to think that maybe they might get a little bit of respite when they come to my cubicle. Or at least they're not thinking "oh that person hates me, I hate doing their waste basket". The day is a little better for both of us because of this.
Does it matter in the long run? I think it does. I don't just see our janitorial staff. I see clerks in stores, and I hear the people on the customer service line, and I make a conscious effort to think of them as people, not tools. When I am kind them, not only do I feel better for myself, but maybe I make their day a little better. And maybe they go on to make someone else's day a little better.
Sometimes I get surprised by someone I've been kind to. They manage to make something possible for me that wouldn't have been possible if not for my kindness. Suddenly the seat between my husband and I remains empty for a flight until the absolute last moment. Or I get to hear about a special discount that I clearly missed when I was going through the aisles. Or they bend the rules a little bit for me, because it actually makes sense in my situation, and because I was kind instead of yelling at them, it was possible for them to consider creative alternatives, rather than retreating into the letter of the rules.
These benefits are tangible and make it easier for me to be kind the next time, but the primary intangible benefit is that I'm a much nicer person than I used to be. I am more able to put myself in the shoes of the people around me. I am more likely to grant someone the benefit of the doubt than to decide they're just being jerks, because my own attitude overall is better. I spend less time irritated or frothing with ire (I do, too!). My phone conversations are less tense.
Of course I'm not some serene zombie with a smile constantly on her face no matter how other people behave towards her. I just tend to spend more time being open to the possibility of being kind than I used to be. As a result, I see a lot more kindness than I used to.
Though, really, I suppose the shorter version of this long-winded post is this:
"You must be the change you want to see in the world." --Mahatma Gandhi
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Letting go of what can't be
Life is full of possibilities. Even as we mature, there are always new things we can try, or adventures we can explore. There are many examples throughout history of people who have changed the course of their life at one point or another, and gone down a very different path than the one they originally intended.
Yet, at the same time, things that were once possible gradually become less so, until they are effectively impossible given our current state (financial, physical, or emotional). It can be hard to face the reality that this thing we wanted so much, and for so long, simply isn't going to be possible. We cling to the ever-shrinking-but-not-quite-disappearing hope that we'll still be able to attain our dream (whatever it might be), and will find great happiness when that comes to pass.
This act of clinging to a diminishing chance of fulfilling a particular desire often results in regret, or a focus on what could be, or what we want to be, instead of what is. We can get so intent on wishing for this thing to pass that we don't pay attention to all the wonderful things in front of us. Or worse, we focus so much on it and our hopes for its ability to improve our lot in life that we completely miss chances that already exist for improving things ourselves.
When our desire changes from a hopeful dream to a source of galling pain, and when the realistic possibility of us fulfilling that dream in the way we envisioned has gotten so small that we're hoping for a miracle to "save us", then it is time to let go of this possibility. It needs to be laid to rest, and the power it has over our lives needs to be broken. It is no longer a source of energy that fuels our actions and helps us attain our goals. It becomes a great weight around our necks, that makes every day more of a slog than a joy, or a little demon that follows behind and jabs us sharply when we least expect, so that the pleasure is sucked out of our lives in a moment.
The process of letting go can be complicated, and of course the best course of action is highly individual. It should always start with a careful, realistic inventory of the problem, and all possible means by which the problem might be solved, including ones you may have once dismissed. Look at it from all angles, brain-storm, talk to people who have been in similar situations and look at the solutions they pursued. Seriously consider what might be possible for you. Perhaps the precise dream you wanted isn't possible but some variant of it would be? For instance, you wanted a log cabin in the woods, but perhaps you could settle for a stick-built home with pine slat interiors that make the whole house seem like it's a cabin?
If a careful examination doesn't reveal any new possible avenues for you to pursue, or new flavors for seeing your dream come true, then it really is time to let go of it. Exactly how you do this will vary from person to person, temperament to temperament. It isn't always easy, and it usually involves determined and conscious effort on your part, but it can be done. Some people will need to go through a grieving process before they reach acceptance of their situation. Some people will be able to simply guide themselves to a new way of looking at their life, and every time the old way pops up, they just gently herd their thoughts away.
It often helps to find something else to try out for a while. Don't expect it to be a perfect replacement for the well-worn dream you've been clothed in for so long. It won't be. But it's a start. Look into new hobbies or volunteer opportunities. Things that bring you into contact with people who have other sorts of dreams and other sorts of goals can help open you up to the myriad possibilities that might work for you. Reading about what others have done, or thought, or felt, can help. Expose yourself to other ideas about how a life can turn out, and you might just surprise yourself.
It's important to remain open to possibilities. Don't just cling to one view of how you wanted your life to be, and opine interminably for that. Not only is it painful and unhealthy for you, but it closes your eyes to opportunities that would be equally fulfilling for you. Look around, there are millions of ways of being who you are without opining for things that can never be.
Yet, at the same time, things that were once possible gradually become less so, until they are effectively impossible given our current state (financial, physical, or emotional). It can be hard to face the reality that this thing we wanted so much, and for so long, simply isn't going to be possible. We cling to the ever-shrinking-but-not-quite-disappearing hope that we'll still be able to attain our dream (whatever it might be), and will find great happiness when that comes to pass.
This act of clinging to a diminishing chance of fulfilling a particular desire often results in regret, or a focus on what could be, or what we want to be, instead of what is. We can get so intent on wishing for this thing to pass that we don't pay attention to all the wonderful things in front of us. Or worse, we focus so much on it and our hopes for its ability to improve our lot in life that we completely miss chances that already exist for improving things ourselves.
When our desire changes from a hopeful dream to a source of galling pain, and when the realistic possibility of us fulfilling that dream in the way we envisioned has gotten so small that we're hoping for a miracle to "save us", then it is time to let go of this possibility. It needs to be laid to rest, and the power it has over our lives needs to be broken. It is no longer a source of energy that fuels our actions and helps us attain our goals. It becomes a great weight around our necks, that makes every day more of a slog than a joy, or a little demon that follows behind and jabs us sharply when we least expect, so that the pleasure is sucked out of our lives in a moment.
The process of letting go can be complicated, and of course the best course of action is highly individual. It should always start with a careful, realistic inventory of the problem, and all possible means by which the problem might be solved, including ones you may have once dismissed. Look at it from all angles, brain-storm, talk to people who have been in similar situations and look at the solutions they pursued. Seriously consider what might be possible for you. Perhaps the precise dream you wanted isn't possible but some variant of it would be? For instance, you wanted a log cabin in the woods, but perhaps you could settle for a stick-built home with pine slat interiors that make the whole house seem like it's a cabin?
If a careful examination doesn't reveal any new possible avenues for you to pursue, or new flavors for seeing your dream come true, then it really is time to let go of it. Exactly how you do this will vary from person to person, temperament to temperament. It isn't always easy, and it usually involves determined and conscious effort on your part, but it can be done. Some people will need to go through a grieving process before they reach acceptance of their situation. Some people will be able to simply guide themselves to a new way of looking at their life, and every time the old way pops up, they just gently herd their thoughts away.
It often helps to find something else to try out for a while. Don't expect it to be a perfect replacement for the well-worn dream you've been clothed in for so long. It won't be. But it's a start. Look into new hobbies or volunteer opportunities. Things that bring you into contact with people who have other sorts of dreams and other sorts of goals can help open you up to the myriad possibilities that might work for you. Reading about what others have done, or thought, or felt, can help. Expose yourself to other ideas about how a life can turn out, and you might just surprise yourself.
It's important to remain open to possibilities. Don't just cling to one view of how you wanted your life to be, and opine interminably for that. Not only is it painful and unhealthy for you, but it closes your eyes to opportunities that would be equally fulfilling for you. Look around, there are millions of ways of being who you are without opining for things that can never be.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Owning our choices and their consequences
Some people seem to live their lives by the seat of their pants. They don't appear to plan much ahead, and don't seem to see value in planning ahead because life just "happens" to them. Sometimes it looks like, to them, that any plans they make don't work out anyway, so why bother?
It can be easier to see from the outside where previous choices they've made have contributed to the situations that make their plans fail. This sort of thing is harder to see when you're in the middle of it, but that doesn't mean it's impossible to figure out what choices have led to which results, and strive for improvements down the line.
Of course there are always situations where all the options available are terrible, and you have to choose the least awful one, but those are more rare than most people realize. What I usually observe is people being faced by a choice between something they want to do and something they know they should be doing that isn't necessarily a terrible thing. Instead of really looking at the pros and cons of a particular option, and taking a longer view by saying something like "if I do this thing I should do, what will be my pay off later?" or "If I do the thing I want to do instead of this other thing I should do, how will I pay for it later?" If you really apply yourself, it's usually possible to come up with various scenarios that may or may not happen as a result, and you can make a better informed choice based on the outcome you really want to see happen further down the line.
Life is not as unpredictable as it seems, and it is possible to build in enough buffer or padding in your situation to handle even the unusual situations that crop up. It's important to see that you're in this life for the long haul. To learn where you're planting seeds for the future, and possibly the quite distant future, and to realize that even if you don't see the fruit today, the fruit you get eventually will be better.
I see this play out in financial areas a lot. People seem to feel that because they're poor, or they're having a difficult time money-wise, that means all planning for the future goes out the window. It's actually the worst time for financial planning to be ignored. I'm not saying any of this is easy, nor is it intuitive. Most people don't learn the fundamentals of money management, and they don't examine their purchases, they don't think about their budgets, and they live from paycheck to paycheck. I know that there are certainly times when it seems like you just can't get ahead of all the crap life throws at you (like a series of expensive car failures when you absolutely need your car to get around for your job).
I'm not here to offer financial advice, but the point of this post is to encourage people to really take the long view of their situations. To look at what they've done in the past, and where it led them, and own that they made choices that brought them where they were. Acknowledge it and learn from it. Don't repeat past mistakes, and instead try to find a new way to accomplish your goals. The internet is full of people's stories for how they accomplished things, try to learn from them.
One of the best lessons you can learn in life is that you need to live your life, proactively. Don't be an observer of your life, sitting passively while things happen around you and blow you thither and yon. Stand up and act on your own behalf. Put in the energy to learn how to avoid past mistakes, learn how to do better next time, learn how to plant seeds for success down the road, even if you can't see it for years.
You can't learn from your mistakes or the choices you've made until you fully accept the idea that your mistakes and choices actually have an impact on where you end up. Finally accepting this, and then putting it in action, is a powerful thing. It puts you back in control of your life in important ways.
You don't have to start big. Focus on one bit of your life that seems out of your control, or beyond your ability to plan for it. Just start small. Small successes lead to bigger ones, and give you greater confidence in your own abilities.
It can be easier to see from the outside where previous choices they've made have contributed to the situations that make their plans fail. This sort of thing is harder to see when you're in the middle of it, but that doesn't mean it's impossible to figure out what choices have led to which results, and strive for improvements down the line.
Of course there are always situations where all the options available are terrible, and you have to choose the least awful one, but those are more rare than most people realize. What I usually observe is people being faced by a choice between something they want to do and something they know they should be doing that isn't necessarily a terrible thing. Instead of really looking at the pros and cons of a particular option, and taking a longer view by saying something like "if I do this thing I should do, what will be my pay off later?" or "If I do the thing I want to do instead of this other thing I should do, how will I pay for it later?" If you really apply yourself, it's usually possible to come up with various scenarios that may or may not happen as a result, and you can make a better informed choice based on the outcome you really want to see happen further down the line.
Life is not as unpredictable as it seems, and it is possible to build in enough buffer or padding in your situation to handle even the unusual situations that crop up. It's important to see that you're in this life for the long haul. To learn where you're planting seeds for the future, and possibly the quite distant future, and to realize that even if you don't see the fruit today, the fruit you get eventually will be better.
I see this play out in financial areas a lot. People seem to feel that because they're poor, or they're having a difficult time money-wise, that means all planning for the future goes out the window. It's actually the worst time for financial planning to be ignored. I'm not saying any of this is easy, nor is it intuitive. Most people don't learn the fundamentals of money management, and they don't examine their purchases, they don't think about their budgets, and they live from paycheck to paycheck. I know that there are certainly times when it seems like you just can't get ahead of all the crap life throws at you (like a series of expensive car failures when you absolutely need your car to get around for your job).
I'm not here to offer financial advice, but the point of this post is to encourage people to really take the long view of their situations. To look at what they've done in the past, and where it led them, and own that they made choices that brought them where they were. Acknowledge it and learn from it. Don't repeat past mistakes, and instead try to find a new way to accomplish your goals. The internet is full of people's stories for how they accomplished things, try to learn from them.
One of the best lessons you can learn in life is that you need to live your life, proactively. Don't be an observer of your life, sitting passively while things happen around you and blow you thither and yon. Stand up and act on your own behalf. Put in the energy to learn how to avoid past mistakes, learn how to do better next time, learn how to plant seeds for success down the road, even if you can't see it for years.
You can't learn from your mistakes or the choices you've made until you fully accept the idea that your mistakes and choices actually have an impact on where you end up. Finally accepting this, and then putting it in action, is a powerful thing. It puts you back in control of your life in important ways.
You don't have to start big. Focus on one bit of your life that seems out of your control, or beyond your ability to plan for it. Just start small. Small successes lead to bigger ones, and give you greater confidence in your own abilities.
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